Last week I wrote about the importance of retaining freedom even in the most difficult circumstances to make positive choices. As I have reflected on what I wrote I began to question whether it is possible for us as individuals to identify the most important positive choices we can make in our daily lives. I decided to identify some of them. So here goes!
1. We can choose to affirm ourself as a unique and valuable individual. This is not always an easy choice in a society which has a rigid view of what is normal and an approach to valuing people based on appearance, sporting prowess, academic brilliance or life achievements. For many of us this choice involves a determination not to be defined by any other criteria than our own uniqueness, and that in common with everybody else, we have been made in the image of God with capacities for creativity, loving others and making a difference.
2. We can choose to value relationship above achievement. On the surface this appears to be a simple and logical choice. But if we do not affirm ourselves as unique and valuable persons it is unlikely that we will choose to prioritise building close relationships that require trust, loyalty and transparency. It is much easier to maintain a safe distance from others rather than risk judgement or rejection. Being alone can be the result of many factors. Being lonely, on the other hand is often the choice to live in a bubble of self-protection, regardless of how many people we are surrounded by.
3. We can choose to treat others in the way we would like them to treat us. This is a very important choice and more than any other helps us avoid hasty, unkind and uncaring reactions to the words and actions of others. Instead it helps us make a response based on the way we would like to be treated. In my experience, I have noticed that wounded people very often become wounders of others. If we have a negative view of ourself for whatever reason, or if we carry deeply imbedded emotional pain, then our automatic response to others will almost always be a negative reaction. Fear, rage, aggression or withdrawal are some of the most common negative reactions. The choice to treat people the way we would like to be treated feels like a risk when you have not made the choice to value yourself, but it becomes our most effective relationship strategy.
4. We can choose to contribute positively into the lives of others. When Julia and I lived and worked in a L’arche Community in England what struck me was the high priority the members of the Community gave to encouragement. Each person who lived permanently in the community carried a disability, and everybody, members and assistants were expected to contribute to the life and industry of the Community. In that context, the community members invested large amounts of time in learning what others were doing and going out of their way to encourage them. They had clearly made a choice to prioritise encouragement. When we choose to contribute positively into the lives of others, encouragement, affirmation, thankfulness and unconditional love and acceptance become our primary tools of trade. We all know how to use these tools but first we all need to choose to value them highly.
5. We can choose to seek the help and input of those we trust. Throughout my life the most helpful choice I have made was to always have a person who acted as a mentor. For me, a mentor was a person to whom I gave permission to ask the hard questions and to hold me accountable for the personal growth goals that I set myself. There have also been occasions when I have sought the help of a trained counsellor. There may be many times in our lives when we would gain a great deal from professional help but unless we have made a choice to do that when the time for it arise it is unlikely that we will do it. Many years ago a highly respected leadership couple told Julia and I that at that particular time in their life they had made a decision to have a “marriage check-up,’ and asked us if we would help them do it. We were humbled and inspired by a couple who had helped thousands of others, but still took time to strengthen what they had and valued.
6. We can choose not to internalise painful emotions. Pain is inevitable. It may come in the form of grief, or rejection or abuse or betrayal. It must always be externalised and shared. Once it turns inwards it leads to long-term physical and emotional withdrawal and isolation. The resolution of pain is never easy especially when it relates to bereavement or the disintegration of a relationship. Recovery will always take a long time but when we internalise our pain it morphs into destructive behaviours and deep emotional woundedness. Having someone with whom we can process the emotional journey is essential. Making a choice never to internalise pain is probably one of the most important mental health decisions we will ever make.
Any of these choices can be made regardless of our circumstances. Not only will they give us a sense of being in control of who we are and who we are becoming, but they also enable us to see our lives and the people we share them within a new light.
God Bless.
Graeme.