Last week I commented “the reality is that anger is rooted in fear and is potentially the most dangerous force known to humanity.” To put it plainly when we are faced with any sort of threat to ourselves or our loved ones the immediate reaction is to be afraid. That fear produces what psychologists often refer to as the fight- flight response. Flight is when in our fear we withdraw into ourselves and erect protective boundaries. Such a reaction may result in physically distancing our-selves from the threat which sometimes is a good strategy. Not so helpful is when we withdraw emotionally and open ourselves to the possibility of depression. Fight is when our fear becomes anger and we meet the threat aggressively. Like flight, fight can be an appropriate reaction, but it brings with it some dangers. Expression of anger often means that we attack people verbally or in some cases physically and this leads to those on the other end of the attack reacting to the fear you have induced in them.
There are two other ways that you can deal with fear induced anger. First, is that you can repress it. That means you stuff it down deep and deny that it is there. You may do this because the threat seems too powerful and you are afraid of further hurt. Or, you can repress anger because you are not by nature aggressive and you feel that repression is your only option. Generally, it is a bad idea to repress painful emotions. It is like trying to store nuclear waste. It will seep through the pores of your personality and begin to negatively affect all your relationships and possibly your mental health. So, we can express anger and repress anger but there is a third and generally more healthy way. You can suppress your anger. This means you take a deep breath, and step away until you are ready to express in a non-attacking way how you feel. This meets your very real need to express your emotions but gives you the opportunity to consider how you do it without escalating the situation.
Repressed painful feelings are particularly dangerous and it is helpful to recognise their origin. Here is a helpful strategy. Think of a time when you experienced a traumatic event. Now ask yourself the question, ‘in what ways has experiencing that event changed me?’ Look for things like increased anxiety about events or situations. Or, increased sensitivity to perceived rejection by others or personal criticism. Look also for evidence that you are less trusting, less likely to take risks, more likely to get angry at people you love and more critical or cynical. After you have done this, I want to invite you to consider the final paragraph in this blog. Next week we will consider the meaning of that paragraph more deeply
The trauma you experienced is not responsible for the changes you have identified. What changes us is the painful emotions we have internalised, and which inhibit our ability to move on and be the person we would like to be.
Keep Safe
Graeme.