After commencing the journey by shifting the blame and the shame from ourselves to the perpetrator it is now time to take an inward look. This involves recognising our own destructive behaviours and attitudes that have emanated from our painful internalised The truth is, that although these emotions are the valid, initial response to the traumatic event, when internalised they will always produce destructive behaviours, that will ultimately hurt ourselves and those we love the most.
Here are some of those common behaviours that threaten to damage us personally and our relationships; inappropriate anger, fits of rage; an inability to compliment, affirm or thank those who love you, constant criticism of others , deliberately denigrating yourself and other people, an inability to be loving, forgiving and accepting.
If, as a result of looking inward we were to identify even just one of these destructive behaviours, the chances are that we have been powerless to change it, because instead of owning it, we have always blamed someone else Here is a diagram that might help us.
WRONG THINKING – PAINFUL EMOTIONS – DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR
I AM GUILTY. -ASHAMED, ANGRY. -INABILITY TO LOVE OTHERS.
I AM WORTHLESS-RESENTFUL, BITTER- FITS OF RAGE, REJECTION.
It is important that we understand this essential step in our healing journey. Having affirmed that we are not responsible for the initial event, nor do we have the power to change what happened back then, we now affirm that to remain bitter and resentful, is our response and we do have the power to change that. And change it we must if we aspire to personal and relational health.
The benefit of step one is that refusing to carry the shame and the guilt for the event, enables us to focus on our inner healing. The benefit of step 2 is that in rejecting the guilt we carry for what we are not responsible for, empowers us to change the behaviours and attitudes we are responsible for.
In my next blog we will talk about the step we need to take to bring about this change. In the meantime, you can read more about this step in our book Walking in the Light at Midnight.
It is time to reflect on a particular type of suffering. In the many years that we have had the privilege of offering counsel and support to adults, the most common root of painful conditions, such as anxiety, agoraphobia, eating disorders, complex post-traumatic stress disorders and many others were childhood trauma.
Amongst the most common experiences of childhood trauma were separation from primary carers, verbal and physical abuse from parents, sexual abuse by trusted adults, schoolyard bullying, rejection by peers, extreme experiences of physical illness and the death of a parent or a sibling.
The most common reaction to these events is what we call the process of internalisation. People most commonly internalise sadness, guilt, worry, depression, anxiety, anger and fear. Signs of internalisation in a child are sadness, withdrawal, shyness, physical complaints and inhibition.
As we said earlier the most common disorders that occur when painful emotions have been internalised by a child or an adult are depression, anxiety, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, passive-aggressive behaviours’, and extreme anger and aggression.
People who live with internalised painful emotions live in a constant state of emotional struggle and often describe their state as living in perpetual darkness. If you are living there, there is a way by which you can walk through this dark valley. Consistent with the idea of walking through suffering, it is a five step journey.
The first, and perhaps the most transformational step for those who have been hurt by a particular perpetrator is to address what we call projected guilt. If you have been manipulated to accept the guilt and to carry the shame for what another person has done to you, now is the time to challenge that lie by shifting the blame for the event back to the perpetrator.
Shifting the blame and the guilt that you have carried back to where it belongs is a choice you make to challenge a dominant and destructive belief and to see it as the lie it is. It is like saying, “I may have been a victim of abuse but I refuse to be the victim of false guilt.”
Dealing with false or projected guilt is the first part of step one and accepting how you have chosen to respond to the event is the other. All your life you may have wrongly believed that you are guilty of the event whilst at the same time blaming the perpetrator and others for the angry and resentful behaviour that injured you and people you love. The good news is that those painful responses are yours and therefore you have the power and the responsibility to deal with them. The question is. Do you have the will to start. Don’t miss my next blog when I talk about step 2.