This blog post is proudly brought to you by Graeme’s latest book The Guilt Busters
Today I salute the 2021 Australian of the Year, Grace Tame. Her work to change a law in Tasmania designed to prevent sexual abuse survivors from speaking out and her vision to further address the need for justice for people who have suffered as she has done, is awesome. Already, she has shone light on what it was like for her as a fifteen-year-old, to be groomed and abused by a fifty-four-year-old teacher. My prayer is that people will not switch off from her message just because it is raw. Whether we are survivors or not, for the healing of thousands who are, and for all children who are cared for by adults, we must listen and where our position in society requires it, we must act.
Speaking out about childhood sexual abuse is a risky business, but unless we do, the horrendous abuse of children will continue, and the emotional and mental health of our next generations will be greatly impacted. This is the very reason I have released my book The Guilt Busters. My prayer is that it will be a small contribution to the battle Grace and many others are waging.
Someone once said that writing a book is a little like having a baby. First comes the joy of conception, followed by months of morning sickness and the painful labour and finally the joy of seeing your baby for the first time. Then there follows some apprehension when the baby is examined and commented on by all your relatives and friends. Well, I do not know much about having a baby, but I do know something about the apprehension that comes when” my baby,” The Guilt Busters, goes out into the world to be evaluated, appreciated or ignored. Parenting has taught me that having done your best you can do nothing other than release your baby to the world and let it have a life of its own.
However just as a mother takes great joy when the fruit of their labours is admired and praised so I also have been greatly encouraged by those who have said some good things about The Guilt Busters. Noel Mitaxa, Pastor, Counsellor and columnist in reviewing the book says; “It is riveting reading. It confronts, captures and distils some wild emotions as it charts healing pathways through the trauma of childhood sexual abuse and manipulation. Its characters have fictional names, but their harrowing stories authentically reveal the pain behind the violence that periodically make news headlines; pain that wealth and sophistication can easily overlook.”
That’s it in a nutshell. I want to shout it as loudly as I can. The childhood sexual abuse that many of us experienced was perpetrated by people we trusted, and left us wounded, potentially for our whole life. Only those who have been abused can understand the irrational shame, the fear and sometimes the all- consuming anger that impacts every area of our lives. But there are pathways to healing that lead to freedom from shame, anger and self-loathing. I have personally travelled the pathways that I have written about, and I have travelled with many others as they to have found healing and peace.
The first principle I speak most about in the book is that of dealing with irrational guilt and shame by moving the blame for the abuse back to the abuser. This is the most important step toward recovery. Abuse survivors were not only abused, but also victimised by being convinced by the perpetrator that they were responsible for what happened or that the abuse occurred because they deserved to be punished. To break free from the crippling effects of that victimisation we need to confront the lie and practice the truth by rejecting any responsibility for what an evil adult perpetuated against us and placing it squarely where it belongs.
Shifting the blame means that we are no longer saddled with life sapping shame. It does, however, sometimes intensify our anger toward the perpetrator. Unlike our shame, our anger is completely justified. We have every right to demand and expect justice for an action that robbed us of so much and whenever perpetrators are charged and imprisoned it is a good thing. The disturbing truth is that there is no legal punishment that will ever seem like sufficient reparation for what many survivors have suffered.
This reality places us in danger of something even more devastating than carrying irrational shame. When our anger cannot be assuaged by the carriage of justice the only option is to become irrationally angry at people we love or to internalise our anger so that building and maintaining healthy relationships with others becomes very difficult if not impossible.
This is why the second principle I write most about in The Guilt Busters is forgiveness. I am fully aware that if you think I am asking you to forgive your abuser in order to alleviate their guilt you have a right to be angry at me. True forgiveness is not offered to alleviate guilt. It is offered to free you from the need to stay angry.
The model of forgiveness that I speak of in the book is that which Jesus both taught and made possible. It is an acknowledgement that Jesus death and resurrection is accepted by God as sufficient payment for every sin that has ever been committed against us by someone else and that in forgiving them on that basis, we are making their future God’s business rather than ours. In doing so we are freeing ourselves from the emotionally exhausting business of seeking revenge and allowing ourselves to find emotional and relational health that we have not had before.
As I close this post, I want to quote another reviewer, Roger Dingle, Dip. Civil Engineering; Dip Ed; B.Ed. Grad Dip Arts, Grad Dip. App Psych. “Written in the shadow of the Royal Commission into Institutional Response to Child Sexual Abuse, it provides understanding and insight that will affirm survivors and give them hope of recovery It will equip counsellors and others who support survivors and strengthens the resolve of those who seek to prevent child sexual abuse, particularly in the church context.”
The Guilt Busters can currently be purchased along with my first book When The Tiger Roars, via my online Bookshop
God Bless
Graeme.