Very shortly my new book “The Guilt Busters” will be released by West Bow Publishing. It addresses a worldwide pandemic that governments, faith communities and even families would rather not speak about, despite it directly affecting one out of every three girls, and one of every five boys.
Child sexual abuse in institutions, sporting clubs and even in the child’s own home continues to be endemic. Today, I have chosen to share an interaction between one of the key characters, John, and his psychologist.
“He told me that if my father loved me, he would want to spend time with me as he did.”
“And you believed him?”
“Yes! I did.”
“So, when he touched you in what you now know to be an inappropriate way, you understood he was being loving?”
“Yes.”
“Did this inappropriate touching happen many times?”
“Yes, but I regarded him as a good man, so therefore it must be what men and boys do.”
“Did he ask you to touch him?”
“Yes, many times and I hated it. It felt wrong but because I trusted him, I did what he asked.”
“If you, as a twelve-year-old, thought that such sexual contact between a man and a child was wrong, is it possible that your abuser as an adult knew it was wrong also?”
“I did not think that at the time.”
“What do you think now?”
“I know that sexual activity between a child and an adult is called pedo-philia and an adult that seeks and engages in such activity is called a pedo-phile.”
“When you were twelve, he suggested you go on a camping trip together.”
“Yes, we went on many such trips but on this occasion, it was a cold night and he suggested that we sleep in the same sleeping bag.”
“And when he raped you, did you feel that he was being loving?”
“No. it hurt. He was very rough. I was scared. He told me that I was not to tell anybody and if I did, God would punish me.”
“So, it was your fault?”
“Yes, he got very angry and grabbed me by the shoulders and screamed that I had been tempting him for two years. And he had known that he should walk away but he didn’t want to hurt me.” “
How hard has it been keeping what happened to you a secret?”
“It wasn’t hard not to tell anybody, if that is what you mean. But the knowledge of what happened to me was not a secret to me. The pain of his betrayal did not go away just because I didn’t tell anybody. The condemnation that he pronounced on me that day has been repeated by an accusatory voice in my head every day of my life since.”
Whilst the characters in the book are fictional every act of grooming, every experience of abuse, every emotion that tears them apart and every life destroying consequence is common to abuse survivors all over the world. The one consequence that I focus on, knowing that it is common to almost every survivor, is shame. Every perpetrator is guilty of violating children in two distinctly different ways. First there is the grooming and the event or events. Being overpowered and abused is an act of the greatest violence. Then there is the violence of making the victim responsible for what has happened to them. The shame this produces binds them to a soul-destroying secrecy from which they feel there is no escape. “The Guilt Busters,” seeks to demonstrate that these chains of shame can be broken and those who are imprisoned in false guilt can be set free.
The irony is that whilst many children have been abused by perpetrators who profess to be people of faith, and who offer protection to children, it is still true that the message of Christs love and forgiveness, provides the way of hope for many survivors. As a counsellor and pastor my greatest joy has been seeing abuse survivors discovering for the first time that they are not responsible for what happened to them and finding a pathway to freedom at last.
My prayer for “The Guilt Busters,” is that it will do just that for survivors but also that it will help us all to understand the pain and broken-ness that results from sexual abuse of children. Every child that is cared for by an adult, an institution, a faith community or a religious or government organisation deserves to be loved and protected. It is only by fully understanding the consequences of failing to protect them that we will become as committed as we must be to their safety and well-being.