Last week I mentioned the word forgiveness fully aware that to some of my readers the expectation that they would ever forgive their hurter would be offensive. The suggestion may even have felt abusive to some. I understand that. I have been there. Some of you reading this post have been there too. The thought of forgiving a drunk driver for killing a child; or a partner for unfaithfulness; or a family member for betrayal; or a person for abusing you or someone in your family, is unthinkable. You do not have to agree with me of course but I think that the reason it is unthinkable is because we do not understand what forgiveness is.
In the modern world we are taught this. ‘If someone has wronged another, they should say they are sorry. If the person they apologise to, thinks they are sincerely remorseful, they may accept their apology and that constitutes forgiveness.’ The wrong is committed against the victim and the victim is expected to offer the favour of forgiveness in return for remorse. Does that sound fair? It is no wonder I, and many others who have been wounded by another, find such a model of forgiveness unhelpful.
Let me float another understanding of forgiveness. The ancient Hebrew word for our English word forgiveness, is Salach. The ancient Greek words are Apheimi and Apoluo. They have the same meaning. ‘To set loose.’ The primary sense is that resentment and bitterness, regardless of how justified they seem to be, confine us to a prison of emotional pain. To be free we need to be ‘set loose.’ Using our modern understanding of forgiveness, my freedom depends on whether the perpetrator apologises, and I forgive them. But based on this ancient model of forgiveness, forgiving is not for our hurter, it is for us. We are the primary and most often the only ones, who benefit when we forgive the person who we blame for the painful event.
Bitterness and resentment are essentially revenge based. It is the hurt person demanding revenge. Needing to get even. But never able to because in most cases no punishment we could devise would ever atone for the hurt, the humiliation, the grief and the emotional and physical woundedness they have caused us. We forgive another when we set them free from the obligation to suffer at our hand for what they have done to us. That happens when we understand that being the victim, the judge and the hangman is costing us too much. It is not possible to overemphasise the cost of living in a prison of resentment. It drains every ounce of emotional energy from us. As the victim we are demanding justice but there is none given. As the judge no sentence we pronounce will be enough. And as the hangman we are left with the distinct and true impression that even a hanging will not take away our pain.
The model of forgiveness that has worked for me and many others, is to realise that me exacting revenge on the perpetrator was never going to happen, because I cannot inflict a punishment on them that would either be sufficient or lawful. But what if Jesus Christ offered up his life for just this purpose. What if he is saying, ‘Graeme I am doing this so you can know that a price has been paid for that person’s sin against you. You do not have to go on being a disempowered victim, or a frustrated judge or a hangman without a client. You can forgive them on the same basis that God has forgiven you by accepting the price that I have paid for their sin against you. You can now set them free from the obligation to suffer at your hands and get on with your life.” I decided to believe in forgiveness God’s way many years ago and I still do. I commend it to you if you want to escape from the prison of resentment you live in.
I was speaking at a seminar about forgiveness and I noticed that a man in the back row was somewhat agitated. When I invited questions from the audience, he was first to his feet, but he did not address me. He addressed the audience, and this is what he said. “I am a minister of a Church which has just sacked me because of a conflict amongst the leadership that I had nothing to do with. I moved my family interstate to take this appointment, six months ago. I am now without a job, a home and an income. I have been listening to what Graeme has said about forgiveness and thinking that there is no way I can forgive this church for what they have done to me and my family. But I have just found a way. God says in the bible, “vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Then he smiled and said, “I have handed them over to God, and told him to zap them.
I am not sure I agree with his theology of revenge, but he did get something right. Freedom comes when I give up the right to punish. If punishment is required, it will come through the courts or perhaps they will have to answer to God for what they did. But once we have set ourselves loose that will not concern us anymore.
In my next post I attempt to answer the question about the role of memory in our recovery from past hurts. In preparation for that, you may like to reflect on whether there are certain things which pop up from time to time that trigger painful memories for you.
God Bless
Graeme.