The truest statement about forgiveness is, “I can forgive but I cannot forget.” There are two reasons why this statement is true. First, in our heads we have the latest state of the art computer. It remembers everything and there is no such thing as a delete button. There is however a recall button, and it is frequently activated by a word, a place name, a person’s name or sometimes something that is completely unrelated to the painful event. Second, forgiveness was never meant to delete memory but to give us the freedom to decide what we want to do with it without constantly revisiting the pain or the anger.
My recall button was a fleet of transport trucks that carried the name of the person who I had forgiven. Whenever I saw one of those trucks the memory of the event returned. Consequently, I began to think that maybe, I had not really forgiven this person at all. Then slowly it began to dawn on me that I did not have to be negatively impacted by this memory, because forgiveness had freed me to use it positively. I began to use the memory as a reminder of the freedom from bitterness and anger, that I could now enjoy.
We all know the difference between a tomb stone and a milestone. The tombstone has writing on it that speaks of grief and death. It is a memorial to loss. A milestone has a number on it to remind us how far we have come since we passed the last one. It invites us to celebrate our progress. Forgiveness empowers us to turn our tombstones into milestones. What that means in a practical sense is when a painful memory returns, we can choose to use it to prompt us to celebrate that we are no longer paralysed by internalised painful emotions, but through forgiveness we are free to choose to live in the now and not in the past.
Like all the aspects of the healing process it comes back to knowing what our options are and making the right choices. When it comes to breaking out of our resentment prison, the choice is to break out or stay. Once we have made the choice to break out we then choose what we intend to leave behind. It should not be difficult to decide to leave our shame, our anger, our fear and bitterness behind but for some of us it is. Many times, I have heard people say that they find the prospect of leaving these painful emotions behind scary because they might not like who they then become. When we are free from our prison there is one more choice to make. How do we turn painful memories into positive forces in our lives.
The most important aspect of the truth that we can forgive but we can’t forget, is that the return of painful memories is not evidence that we have not forgiven but rather a reminder that to remember is a normal function of our minds. Just as important is the truth that who we are becoming as people, is a result of the impact on our lives of both our good and bad experiences. I am sure that like me you have met people who have suffered almost immeasurable pain but whose peace and contentment is disarming. Where does that peace and contentment come from? It comes from refusing to be a victim or to be angrily seeking revenge and instead choosing to forgive and continue to grow. Unlike a certain politician who encouraged us to maintain our rage against an alleged political injustice, people who have moved on have done the opposite. As a follower of Jesus, I am grateful of the complete forgiveness that God offers me. I am grateful also that that forgiveness empowers me to forgive others when the only alternative is to have my joy and peace neutralised by bitterness.
Next week I want to begin a series where I chat about some of the common life issues that most of us have or will one day experience. What they are; how they affect us and how to grow as people because of them. Remember if you have any questions or comments, I would be glad to hear from you.
God Bless.
Graeme.