Most of us are familiar with feelings of anxiety. Often the feelings are transient and attached to a situation or event that we are apprehensive about. They make our mouth go dry and our hands clammy, but the feeling passes as quickly as it came. At other times, it can be a serious disorder characterised by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry. They may also have physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling, dizziness or a rapid heartbeat. At times of national or international crisis such as a world war or a pandemic, the presence of anxiety among the populations of the world increases dramatically.
I remember as a parent of small children, hearing other parents and psychologists speaking about children who suffered from a condition known as separation anxiety. As someone who has worked a lot with animals, I was familiar with dogs and cats and horses who suffered the same symptoms when they were separated either from their companions or their owners. It has been acknowledged by psychologists for many years, that isolation from our normal network of relatives and friends is a major contributor to the escalation of anxiety.
Seemingly some of us pass through anxiety-producing situations relatively unaffected. One of the reasons for this may be the extent to which we feel closely connected to and strongly supported by those who make up our relationship network. The connectedness we have with significant others who display empathy, provide perspective, lend a listening ear and give practical help, contributes to our capacity to deal with stress and other emotional challenges we might face. However, many of us have felt that at times when we need that sort of support, we have not had the emotional energy to maintain or engage with our relationship network as we might need to. The emotional isolation that results from us withdrawing into ourselves deepens our sense of loneliness and increases our feelings of anxiety. Whether our feelings of isolation are the consequence of us withdrawing from others or some other factor beyond our control, like a pandemic lockdown, it is one of the first issues we need to address in order to manage our anxiety well.
A young couple whose baby died suddenly just before her first birthday once told me about how they experienced emotional isolation on several different levels. Their relationship network was small and unfortunately most of their friends were unable to offer the support the couple needed, and they felt too tired and bereft to reach out for help and support. Even more devastating was that because their little girl had been their primary focus and all their conversation and interaction had revolved around her as the centre of their world, now she was gone they felt disconnected from each other. They spoke about the agony of living in the same house, each dealing separately with their own grief and not being able to connect emotionally. The young man plunged into deep depression and the young woman became highly anxious and paranoid and was ultimately admitted to hospital. Her psychiatrist referred the couple to a Marriage Counsellor who helped them reconnect with each other and to re-establish a relationship network.
Anxiety frequently leaves us feeling exhausted and unable to do many of the things we might normally do. But one thing is essential. We must find a way to stay connected to a relationship network or even to one other person. This connection must be one that promotes healing rather than being just superficial or casual. A relationship that is therapeutic will be one that provides presence, empathy, respect, hope; and permission for our unhelpful thinking and behaviours to be challenged by them. Such relationships may be with family members, friends or mental health professionals, but whoever it is, the steps we take in intentionally developing and maintaining that connection are necessary for the management of and recovery from anxiety.
To fully appreciate what I am saying, it is helpful to think back to when we were a little child. Remember the times we woke up in the middle of the night feeling afraid. Afraid of the dark! Or of the bogeyman under the bed! Or anxious about school the next day! Who did we call out for in our anxiety? Our parents! We called out to them because we knew that their presence, their empathy and their ability to help us sort out what was real and what was not, was what we needed just then. It is curious is it not that we are less likely in our adult anxiety to reach out to others for presence, empathy and help than we were when we were children.
It is helpful to think about those people in our lives, from whom in our anxiety, we have allowed ourselves to be distanced, but from whom in the past we have drawn the most comfort and strength; then resolve not to remain isolated from them in any sense. It may be our husband or wife with whom we live. Whatever we do, we should not neglect to nurture that relationship. There may be others too, like an extended family member or trusted friend, who at a time like this, we might need to connect with by using technology. We may also need someone who can give us professional medical advice, or if required, medication. Or it may be God who, perhaps, we have not talked to for a while. He has promised to be with us always and he knows us better than we know our self.
Making a priority to reconnect with significant others in our lives would be a very helpful and healthful way to use our lockdown experience.
God Bless
Graeme