A reflection on my lockdown experience.

During my life, I have often heard the virtues of reflection extolled and have lamented that the busy-ness and pressure of life robbed me of the time for such a luxury. During lockdown, I have experienced the impact of reflecting in two distinctly different ways. I found that reflecting on the past could have a negative impact, if as it easily can, leads to retrospection and regret. Some of my early attempts at reflection came out of being forced to live with more free time and focussed on how I had lived my life, and the things that I could have done better. I can understand how for those of us who tend to be introspective and self-critical, this type of reflection, whilst an opportunity for honest evaluation, can be more painful than comforting.

Eventually I began to engage in a different sort of reflection. It was based on what I recognised as my greatest need as an octogenarian Christian. I needed realignment and regeneration. I needed to realign myself with Jesus and with what He said were the blessings that God had promised those of us who follow him. And I needed daily to have my faith and love enlivened by the Holy Spirit. I also needed this to happen in the context of the life-long work habits, which I find difficult to change.

So, I decided to go the four Gospels, determined to walk with Jesus, from his birth to his ascension, not as a modern-day preacher seeking material to preach to others, but as contemporary of Jesus and his disciples. I decided to be in the room with Joseph when an Angel announced that his fiancé, Mary, was pregnant. And with Mary when she was told that her baby would be the Son of the most-high God. And with Elizabeth, and Zachariah and John the Baptist and the shepherds and Herod and the wise men. I wanted to be with Jesus in his childhood, at his baptism, in the wilderness when he was tempted for forty days. I wanted to witness his miracles, listen to his parables, answer all the questions he asked and hear the sermons he preached. I wanted to be with him on the Mount of Transfiguration, at the Last Supper, in the Garden of Gethsemane and Pilates judgement hall. I wanted to stand with Mary at the foot of the cross, run to the empty tomb on the Sunday morning, feel the joy the Mary Magdalene felt when Jesus spoke her name, and confess my unbelief with Thomas.

That was my intention. The way I made it happen was to do what I have done all my life. Every morning I ‘went to work’ in my office. Once there, however, I would not immerse myself in the demands of ministry. I would read the scriptures, research the background, listen to God and write down what I was seeing and understanding through my reflections.

One example of a special experience of realignment occurred when I came to the Beatitudes and read once again Jesus description of those God blesses. The poor in spirit, those who mourn, the humble, those who hunger and thirst after justice and righteousness, the merciful, peacemakers, and those who are persecuted for doing right. What a joy to be reminded that these characteristics are not meant to be just true of Jesus or a few special saints, but of me. And all the blessings are for me to. In my journey there have been some tears and a great deal of joy. Some confession of sin and much forgiveness received and celebrated. Some struggle with newly understood truth and much wonder at the immeasurable scope of my Fathers love and grace.

All my preaching life I have exhorted people to draw close to God. These months of lockdown have been the catalyst for me to find a way of doing that. Instead of withering on the vine of old age, or introspection or regret, I feel that I have been given the opportunity to live out the rest of my life as one who has been renewed and refreshed by a current and on-going encounter with Jesus.

At the emotional level I have struggled with all the conflicting opinions as to how Covid-19 should be addressed. Complete lockdowns versus partial lockdowns! Herd immunity versus business crippling movement restrictions! Vaccine available by the end of this year versus no vaccine till the end of next year versus no vaccine at all!  Covid-19 as a highly contagious deadly disease with disastrous after-effects for those who supposedly recover versus no worse and no more deadly than the normal annual flu! A real and dangerous pandemic versus a conspiracy! Great leadership from our leaders versus weak and ineffectual leadership! It seems important for us to watch the news and get the daily update, but it can be stress inducing.

At another level I must admit to being alarmed at the social dislocation evidenced by those who refuse to comply with rules relating to social distancing and mask wearing, public protests exercising the right to freedom of speech, whilst violating rules relating to public gatherings and vile personal attacks on anyone who has the temerity to disagree the position taken by the offended post writer. If the language and sentiments expressed on social media were directed at someone in the family, it would be labelled as domestic violence. Apparently, no such rules of civility apply in the public arena especially when the tirade comes from behind a keyboard. It seems that even some Bible believing Christians have rewritten Jesus command to love others as he loves us to include the words, “unless of course they disagree with you, or represent a political party you didn’t vote for.”

At the pastoral care level Julia and I have enjoyed the opportunity of connecting on-line with many people who live on their own or are struggling with loneliness and health issues. Julia has baked and distributed food to our neighbours and I have continued to have online preaching opportunities. There is still time to go for our walk, watch the occasional Netflix film and of course our beloved Bombers. Although we miss physical contact with our children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, it is good to be able to be in touch with them through technology.

Then of course there are the pleasant surprises like the three deliveries of food that we have received, two of them anonymously. Or the phone call from someone we have not been in touch with for a while and the little thank you gifts we have received from those who enjoyed Julia’s baking.

The overall verdict of us both is that there have been many benefits during this time which we value and appreciate.

God Bless

Graeme