The emotions of a pandemic

Living in a city which is enduring weeks of complete lockdown as its official response to Covid-19, has provided a rare opportunity to observe individual and communal emotional responses to an international crisis. I have found myself asking the question whether the lockdown and the threat of the pandemic has caused a mental health crisis, or whether it is possible that it has simply exacerbated a situation that already existed. Is an increased suicide rate, unprecedented depression and anxiety among children, increased domestic violence and incidents of public and social media rage, what we might reasonably expect in the face of social isolation, loss of employment and financial reversal?

I do not want to minimise the emotional impact on people who have lost loved ones to Covid-19, or are themselves suffering the after effects of having had the virus, or have lost a job, or a business or have lived alone for weeks in complete isolation. In my opinion all of those who have been directly affected deserve and need the very best support that a modern and compassionate society can offer. To feel forgotten or neglected by our fellows or our governments in a time of deep personal grief and loss is extremely painful and will frequently have a detrimental effect on a person’s mental health. It is to be expected that many people like this will experience heightened anxiety and depression and will need the help that counselling or medical intervention can provide. Among the important elements of a healthy society are the expressions of compassion we make to each other, and, in particular to those who are in need.

When I hear however, people claiming that their good mental health is dependent on being able to attend sporting events, or go to their local pub or restaurant, or travel overseas, or join thousands of others on a beach or more worryingly do whatever they like regardless of the law, then I wonder whether we have become a society whose happiness, peace of mind and general well-being depends on us having a desirable lifestyle and a raft of privileges. If our mental health is a product of our lifestyle or our sense of privilege rather than the other way round, it is a matter of deep concern.

The WHO defines mental health as a state of wellness, not as a mental health condition. “A state of well being in which an individual realises his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to contribute to her or his community.” The Beyond Blue website, states that research shows that high levels of mental health are associated with increased learning, creativity and productivity, more pro-social behaviour and positive social relationships. They conclude that ultimately, good mental health is about being cognitively, emotionally and socially healthy- the way we think, feel and develop our relationships- and not merely the absence of a mental health condition.

The psychiatrist, responsible for pioneering Rational Emotive Therapy, Dr Albert Ellis, concluded that adverse events in our lives, can lead us to harbour irrational beliefs and irrational beliefs lead us to having irrational thoughts which in turn lead to us to experience painful emotions. These painful emotions can lead to damaging behaviours. Ellis developed a model of people helping which enabled people to recognise their irrational thoughts and beliefs and challenge them.

It seems to me that at a time like this we need to challenge the way the Pandemic has impacted the way we think and what we believe. If we think that that Covid-19 is about to rob us of everything that is important, or that it is a tool being used by someone to take control of the world, or that the Government is seeking to destroy freedom and democracy, or that social isolation will last forever, then that will have a powerful impact on the way we think and feel. On the other hand, if we understand that it is a serious situation, but that our nation has the resources and the knowhow to defeat it, then that thought will lead us to a belief, that co-operating with the best medical advice, we together can rise above the pandemic.

When I discovered RET many years ago, as a Christian Counsellor, it excited me because it lined up with a biblical principle that had been important to me for a long time. That principle is that dark or negative thoughts are at the root of painful emotions and destructive behaviours. Listen to this wonderful advice given by Paul the Apostle to a group of believers who were enduring persecution for their faith. “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are worthy of praise.”

We can change our mood by ceasing to focus on the confusing, fear producing reports that give birth to feelings of hopeless, despair and anger. We can focus on being thankful for the amazing, compassionate country we live in, for the people we love and who love us, for the measure of health and freedom that we do have. We can focus on the wonders of technology that connects us to our loved ones despite isolation. For the stories of the heroism of our medical and emergency workers. Many of us will also want to focus on the truth that we are never alone. God is with us whatever our circumstances, loving us and giving us his peace.

God Bless

Graeme.

The radical social and cultural theory of Jesus

When Jesus was asked by a religious man, who lived in a society deeply divided along racial and religious lines, “who is my neighbour?”, he answered by telling a story about a common occurrence that had an uncommon ending. In his story a man from Jerusalem is mugged by robbers on a much- travelled road and left severely injured. Among those who saw him there, but did not offer help, were people of his own religion and race, but the traveller who does help him comes from a cultural and religious background that was despised by both the injured man and those who had refused to help.

Talk about “putting the cat among the canaries.” Jesus in one short story had put his finger on the issue that challenged everything that this religious man and his fellow worshippers claimed to believe. They worshipped a God they saw as the Universal Creator and the source of all beauty, power, mercy and love but in an attitude of unbelievable pride and arrogance, they devalued, rejected, even hated those who were of a different race and religion. Jesus was not telling them that their theology was wrong or that the God they worshipped was irrelevant, and out-dated. But he was telling them that they worshipped a God they refused to represent in the society in which they lived.

There are of course many gods that people choose to worship, chosen because they suit the values and the philosophies of the worshippers. Jesus is saying to this religious man that the God he claimed to worship saw all people as worthy of love and respect and freely and generously offered love and forgiveness to all, regardless of race and religion. He is not God of the Jews only, or the God of the Samaritans. He is not an invented deity that justifies and gives credence to a set of beliefs that belong exclusively to one cultural group. He is not an excuse for oppressing or devaluing people whose cultures and appearance differ from theirs and he is not a God who only blesses and cares for those who abide by a specific set of religious laws and rituals.

What was radical about Jesus story is that it demonstrated that while God is worthy of our worship and our reverence, the worship he desires is when those who love him, imitate him. He is a God of love and justice and expects those who worship him to be people who live loving and just lives. He forgives sin and expects those who worship him to forgive others. He accepts us unconditionally and expects us to accept others in the same way and he has unlimited compassion for the broken, wounded and the poor; and when we demonstrate the same, to him it is an authentic act of worship.

The other radical aspect of Jesus story is that to worship God by allowing him to transform us into loving and just people, is in human terms, costly. The man who helped the injured traveller, interrupted his journey and crossed the road to care for him. This Samaritan not only crossed a road, but he also crossed ancient boundaries of race and culture. He had to face his hatred of Jews and his fear of robbers and cross the road. Crossing the road cost him the oil and wine he carried with him, cost him the time it took to tend to his wounds, cost him the physical energy needed to load him on his donkey, and walk him slowly to the next town. It cost him the money needed to pay for his care at the Inn. ‘Crossing the road’ is always costly, but if it is an act of worship to the God who sees us all as equal, lovable and redeemable the cost is irrelevant.

As you can imagine, even though I have known this story all my life, since revisiting it this week I have been asking myself what roads are still waiting for me to cross. Are their still attitudes that limit my willingness to be moved by compassion rather than to be immobilised by fear, discrimination or selfishness? Have I become so comfortable on my side of the road that I rarely cross it at all anymore? I would like to think that it will always be on the other side of the road that I will find the  God I love and serve and become a partner with him in demonstrating his love and compassion.

God Bless.

Graeme.

The healing power of courageous choices

During the Covid-19 pandemic many people have complained about the loss of the freedom to choose to do what they might have done in different times. I understand that frustration, but it causes me to reflect, not so much on the validity of lockdowns but on the value to our mental health of making positive choices. My experience as a Counsellor and Pastor is that even when we are not in lockdown, many people still feel the lack of freedom to make health promoting choices.

A person I was speaking to once said, “I feel like there is nothing in my adult life that has resulted from a choice I have made. I studied medicine in University because of the expectation of my parents that I would become a doctor like my grandmother. From the time of my graduation till now, my life has seemed to be a series of circumstances that have steered me along my professional pathway, filled my life with incredible busy-ness, robbed me of a social life and made it impossible to find a life partner. Then chronic arthritis forced me to leave medicine and my father’s early onset of dementia has meant that I am now his primary carer. I feel like a passenger in a driverless bus.”

I suspect many people feel like ‘passengers in a driverless bus,’ and would describe their lives as being out of control. Common choices like, which university course to study, what form of employment to engage in, what sort of car to buy, to marry or not to marry, to have children or not to have children do not seem to be available to them. Financial constraints, physical or mental health issues and difficult relational situations are some of the reasons why people feel that they have been robbed of both the freedom and the power of choice. It is commonly accepted that depression, anxiety and physical ill health are frequently directly related to the feeling of disempowerment that occurs when we allow anything to rob us of the freedom to make choices. The question is, “How, when I live with circumstances that inhibit my freedom to make choices, do I still achieve a sense of being healthily in control of the factors that influence and shape the person that I am becoming?”

In his famous motivational talk Navy Admiral William H McRaven told students that if they wanted to change the world, they needed to do 10 things and the first one was to “make your bed.” Every morning the trainees in his Seal class were required to make their bed perfectly. It was a small thing but whatever else happened in that day, it had begun by accomplishing a task that would lead them to completing more small tasks during the day. I like the strategy because, regardless of whatever circumstances I am in, it is a choice, along with others, I can make, and a task I do because I choose to.

There are many choices I can make. I can choose my mood. I can choose to greet the day with a smile or a song or a prayer. I can choose to forgive the person who hurts me, accept the person who frustrates me, encourage someone who is discouraged and support someone who is grieving or disappointed. I can choose to be thankful for the little I have rather than to long for what I cannot have.

Lindy Chamberlain stands as an amazing inspiration. From a mind-numbing tragedy that begins with her cry in the dark, “The dingo has taken my baby!” and progresses to millions of Australians labelling her a murderer and a liar, to her spending years in prison before she is exonerated, Lindy emerges without bitterness, forgiving those responsible for the gross injustices committed against her and seeking to encourage and support others. She made a choice, not to be defined by her grief, by her circumstances, by the opinions of others, by her complete loss of freedom and by injustice, and she made that choice in a situation where many of us would have concluded that we had lost any opportunity for decision making and self-actualisation. Just as the courage and resoluteness of Nelson Mandela spoke into the hopelessness of millions of South Africans, so Lindy’s refusal to give up the right to make positive choices, speaks to all those who are trapped in negativity and disempowerment.

 Like most people I need to admit that I have not always made good choices and that sometimes my bad choices have hurt others and myself. Our bad choices are frequently birthed out of painful emotions, selfishness, and a lack of both real compassion for others and self-discipline; and I am sure that I am no exception. I do, however, know better, and everyday I am aware that I have the freedom to make choices which reflect the love that I receive from God and from those near to me. If I deliberately choose to be patient and kind, and choose not to be jealous or boastful, or rude, or unforgiving then I have chosen compassion above self-pity or negativism. When I make that choice, I am choosing to change my life and to contribute to the health and happiness of others.

Knowing that we are loved by God means that regardless of our circumstance we will always have the freedom and the privilege to love others and ourselves. The point is that like Nelson Mandela or Lindy Chamberlain we might have to make that choice in the dark before we can even see there is any light. But a choice to love ourselves’ always ignites the light of hope.

God Bless

Graeme.

A reflection on my lockdown experience.

During my life, I have often heard the virtues of reflection extolled and have lamented that the busy-ness and pressure of life robbed me of the time for such a luxury. During lockdown, I have experienced the impact of reflecting in two distinctly different ways. I found that reflecting on the past could have a negative impact, if as it easily can, leads to retrospection and regret. Some of my early attempts at reflection came out of being forced to live with more free time and focussed on how I had lived my life, and the things that I could have done better. I can understand how for those of us who tend to be introspective and self-critical, this type of reflection, whilst an opportunity for honest evaluation, can be more painful than comforting.

Eventually I began to engage in a different sort of reflection. It was based on what I recognised as my greatest need as an octogenarian Christian. I needed realignment and regeneration. I needed to realign myself with Jesus and with what He said were the blessings that God had promised those of us who follow him. And I needed daily to have my faith and love enlivened by the Holy Spirit. I also needed this to happen in the context of the life-long work habits, which I find difficult to change.

So, I decided to go the four Gospels, determined to walk with Jesus, from his birth to his ascension, not as a modern-day preacher seeking material to preach to others, but as contemporary of Jesus and his disciples. I decided to be in the room with Joseph when an Angel announced that his fiancé, Mary, was pregnant. And with Mary when she was told that her baby would be the Son of the most-high God. And with Elizabeth, and Zachariah and John the Baptist and the shepherds and Herod and the wise men. I wanted to be with Jesus in his childhood, at his baptism, in the wilderness when he was tempted for forty days. I wanted to witness his miracles, listen to his parables, answer all the questions he asked and hear the sermons he preached. I wanted to be with him on the Mount of Transfiguration, at the Last Supper, in the Garden of Gethsemane and Pilates judgement hall. I wanted to stand with Mary at the foot of the cross, run to the empty tomb on the Sunday morning, feel the joy the Mary Magdalene felt when Jesus spoke her name, and confess my unbelief with Thomas.

That was my intention. The way I made it happen was to do what I have done all my life. Every morning I ‘went to work’ in my office. Once there, however, I would not immerse myself in the demands of ministry. I would read the scriptures, research the background, listen to God and write down what I was seeing and understanding through my reflections.

One example of a special experience of realignment occurred when I came to the Beatitudes and read once again Jesus description of those God blesses. The poor in spirit, those who mourn, the humble, those who hunger and thirst after justice and righteousness, the merciful, peacemakers, and those who are persecuted for doing right. What a joy to be reminded that these characteristics are not meant to be just true of Jesus or a few special saints, but of me. And all the blessings are for me to. In my journey there have been some tears and a great deal of joy. Some confession of sin and much forgiveness received and celebrated. Some struggle with newly understood truth and much wonder at the immeasurable scope of my Fathers love and grace.

All my preaching life I have exhorted people to draw close to God. These months of lockdown have been the catalyst for me to find a way of doing that. Instead of withering on the vine of old age, or introspection or regret, I feel that I have been given the opportunity to live out the rest of my life as one who has been renewed and refreshed by a current and on-going encounter with Jesus.

At the emotional level I have struggled with all the conflicting opinions as to how Covid-19 should be addressed. Complete lockdowns versus partial lockdowns! Herd immunity versus business crippling movement restrictions! Vaccine available by the end of this year versus no vaccine till the end of next year versus no vaccine at all!  Covid-19 as a highly contagious deadly disease with disastrous after-effects for those who supposedly recover versus no worse and no more deadly than the normal annual flu! A real and dangerous pandemic versus a conspiracy! Great leadership from our leaders versus weak and ineffectual leadership! It seems important for us to watch the news and get the daily update, but it can be stress inducing.

At another level I must admit to being alarmed at the social dislocation evidenced by those who refuse to comply with rules relating to social distancing and mask wearing, public protests exercising the right to freedom of speech, whilst violating rules relating to public gatherings and vile personal attacks on anyone who has the temerity to disagree the position taken by the offended post writer. If the language and sentiments expressed on social media were directed at someone in the family, it would be labelled as domestic violence. Apparently, no such rules of civility apply in the public arena especially when the tirade comes from behind a keyboard. It seems that even some Bible believing Christians have rewritten Jesus command to love others as he loves us to include the words, “unless of course they disagree with you, or represent a political party you didn’t vote for.”

At the pastoral care level Julia and I have enjoyed the opportunity of connecting on-line with many people who live on their own or are struggling with loneliness and health issues. Julia has baked and distributed food to our neighbours and I have continued to have online preaching opportunities. There is still time to go for our walk, watch the occasional Netflix film and of course our beloved Bombers. Although we miss physical contact with our children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, it is good to be able to be in touch with them through technology.

Then of course there are the pleasant surprises like the three deliveries of food that we have received, two of them anonymously. Or the phone call from someone we have not been in touch with for a while and the little thank you gifts we have received from those who enjoyed Julia’s baking.

The overall verdict of us both is that there have been many benefits during this time which we value and appreciate.

God Bless

Graeme

Anxiety. What it is and how it effects us.

Most of us are familiar with feelings of anxiety. Often the feelings are transient and attached to a situation or event that we are apprehensive about. They make our mouth go dry and our hands clammy, but the feeling passes as quickly as it came. At other times, it can be a serious disorder characterised by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry. They may also have physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling, dizziness or a rapid heartbeat. At times of national or international crisis such as a world war or a pandemic, the presence of anxiety among the populations of the world increases dramatically.

I remember as a parent of small children, hearing other parents and psychologists speaking about children who suffered from a condition known as separation anxiety. As someone who has worked a lot with animals, I was familiar with dogs and cats and horses who suffered the same symptoms when they were separated either from their companions or their owners. It has been acknowledged by psychologists for many years, that isolation from our normal network of relatives and friends is a major contributor to the escalation of anxiety.

Seemingly some of us pass through anxiety-producing situations relatively unaffected. One of the reasons for this may be the extent to which we feel closely connected to and strongly supported by those who make up our relationship network. The connectedness we have with significant others who display empathy, provide perspective, lend a listening ear and give practical help, contributes to our capacity to deal with stress and other emotional challenges we might face. However, many of us have felt that at times when we need that sort of support, we have not had the emotional energy to maintain or engage with our relationship network as we might need to. The emotional isolation that results from us withdrawing into ourselves deepens our sense of loneliness and increases our feelings of anxiety. Whether our feelings of isolation are the consequence of us withdrawing from others or some other factor beyond our control, like a pandemic lockdown, it is one of the first issues we need to address in order to manage our anxiety well.

A young couple whose baby died suddenly just before her first birthday once told me about how they experienced emotional isolation on several different levels. Their relationship network was small and unfortunately most of their friends were unable to offer the support the couple needed, and they felt too tired and bereft to reach out for help and support. Even more devastating was that because their little girl had been their primary focus and all their conversation and interaction had revolved around her as the centre of their world, now she was gone they felt disconnected from each other. They spoke about the agony of living in the same house, each dealing separately with their own grief and not being able to connect emotionally. The young man plunged into deep depression and the young woman became highly anxious and paranoid and was ultimately admitted to hospital. Her psychiatrist referred the couple to a Marriage Counsellor who helped them reconnect with each other and to re-establish a relationship network.

Anxiety frequently leaves us feeling exhausted and unable to do many of the things we might normally do. But one thing is essential. We must find a way to stay connected to a relationship network or even to one other person. This connection must be one that promotes healing rather than being just superficial or casual. A relationship that is therapeutic will be one that provides presence, empathy, respect, hope; and permission for our unhelpful thinking and behaviours to be challenged by them. Such relationships may be with family members, friends or mental health professionals, but whoever it is, the steps we take in intentionally developing and maintaining that connection are necessary for the management of and recovery from anxiety.

To fully appreciate what I am saying, it is helpful to think back to when we were a little child. Remember the times we woke up in the middle of the night feeling afraid. Afraid of the dark! Or of the bogeyman under the bed! Or anxious about school the next day! Who did we call out for in our anxiety? Our parents! We called out to them because we knew that their presence, their empathy and their ability to help us sort out what was real and what was not, was what we needed just then. It is curious is it not that we are less likely in our adult anxiety to reach out to others for presence, empathy and help than we were when we were children.

It is helpful to think about those people in our lives, from whom in our anxiety, we have allowed ourselves to be distanced, but from whom in the past we have drawn the most comfort and strength; then resolve not to remain isolated from them in any sense. It may be our husband or wife with whom we live. Whatever we do, we should not neglect to nurture that relationship. There may be others too, like an extended family member or trusted friend, who at a time like this, we might need to connect with by using technology. We may also need someone who can give us professional medical advice, or if required, medication. Or it may be God who, perhaps, we have not talked to for a while. He has promised to be with us always and he knows us better than we know our self.

Making a priority to reconnect with significant others in our lives would be a very helpful and healthful way to use our lockdown experience.

God Bless

Graeme

Forgiveness: The Misunderstood Factor In Emotional Healing

Last week I mentioned the word forgiveness fully aware that to some of my readers the expectation that they would ever forgive their hurter would be offensive. The suggestion may even have felt abusive to some. I understand that. I have been there. Some of you reading this post have been there too. The thought of forgiving a drunk driver for killing a child; or a partner for unfaithfulness; or a family member for betrayal; or a person for abusing you or someone in your family, is unthinkable. You do not have to agree with me of course but I think that the reason it is unthinkable is because we do not understand what forgiveness is.

In the modern world we are taught this. ‘If someone has wronged another, they should say they are sorry. If the person they apologise to, thinks they are sincerely remorseful, they may accept their apology and that constitutes forgiveness.’ The wrong is committed against the victim and the victim is expected to offer the favour of forgiveness in return for remorse. Does that sound fair? It is no wonder I, and many others who have been wounded by another, find such a model of forgiveness unhelpful.

Let me float another understanding of forgiveness. The ancient Hebrew word for our English word forgiveness, is Salach. The ancient Greek words are Apheimi and Apoluo. They have the same meaning. ‘To set loose.’ The primary sense is that resentment and bitterness, regardless of how justified they seem to be, confine us to a prison of emotional pain. To be free we need to be ‘set loose.’ Using our modern understanding of forgiveness, my freedom depends on whether the perpetrator apologises, and I forgive them. But based on this ancient model of forgiveness, forgiving is not for our hurter, it is for us. We are the primary and most often the only ones, who benefit when we forgive the person who we blame for the painful event.

Bitterness and resentment are essentially revenge based. It is the hurt person demanding revenge. Needing to get even. But never able to because in most cases no punishment we could devise would ever atone for the hurt, the humiliation, the grief and the emotional and physical woundedness they have caused us. We forgive another when we set them free from the obligation to suffer at our hand for what they have done to us. That happens when we understand that being the victim, the judge and the hangman is costing us too much. It is not possible to overemphasise the cost of living in a prison of resentment. It drains every ounce of emotional energy from us. As the victim we are demanding justice but there is none given. As the judge no sentence we pronounce will be enough. And as the hangman we are left with the distinct and true impression that even a hanging will not take away our pain.

The model of forgiveness that has worked for me and many others, is to realise that me exacting revenge on the perpetrator was never going to happen, because I cannot inflict a punishment on them that would either be sufficient or lawful. But what if Jesus Christ offered up his life for just this purpose. What if he is saying, ‘Graeme I am doing this so you can know that a price has been paid for that person’s sin against you. You do not have to go on being a disempowered victim, or a frustrated judge or a hangman without a client. You can forgive them on the same basis that God has forgiven you by accepting the price that I have paid for their sin against you. You can now set them free from the obligation to suffer at your hands and get on with your life.” I decided to believe in forgiveness God’s way many years ago and I still do. I commend it to you if you want to escape from the prison of resentment you live in.

I was speaking at a seminar about forgiveness and I noticed that a man in the back row was somewhat agitated. When I invited questions from the audience, he was first to his feet, but he did not address me. He addressed the audience, and this is what he said. “I am a minister of a Church which has just sacked me because of a conflict amongst the leadership that I had nothing to do with. I moved my family interstate to take this appointment, six months ago. I am now without a job, a home and an income. I have been listening to what Graeme has said about forgiveness and thinking that there is no way I can forgive this church for what they have done to me and my family. But I have just found a way. God says in the bible, “vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Then he smiled and said, “I have handed them over to God, and told him to zap them.

I am not sure I agree with his theology of revenge, but he did get something right. Freedom comes when I give up the right to punish. If punishment is required, it will come through the courts or perhaps they will have to answer to God for what they did. But once we have set ourselves loose that will not concern us anymore.

In my next post I attempt to answer the question about the role of memory in our recovery from past hurts. In preparation for that, you may like to reflect on whether there are certain things which pop up from time to time that trigger painful memories for you.

God Bless

Graeme.

Benefits And Difficulties In Commencing The Recovery Journey

Last week I wrote about three choices we may need to make before we begin our journey to recovery from past hurt and internalised painful emotions. I wrote about choosing to deal with our shame, by moving any self-blame to where it really belongs, on the perpetrator. Choosing to remove the primary hindrance to recovery by accepting responsibility for the internalised painful feelings, and finally, choosing to rebuild relationships with those we have hurt through behaviours that emanate from the internalised pain.

The benefits of addressing shame by choosing to blame the perpetrator of my childhood abuse, should have been obvious to me, but they were not. Shame had become a part of who I knew myself to be, and as strange as it might sound, I did not want to give it up. Blaming myself was a safe alternative to being angry; and shifting that blame to my abuser would expose me to red hot anger that I might not be able to control. I resisted this choice also because it required that I revisit something that I had buried. Not forgotten. Just buried. Why would I want to dig all that pain and fear and shame up again? My counsellor had a good answer for that question. “If you will not do it for yourself would you do it for the people you love? If they are in any way paying the price for the anger that you have cloaked with shame, why would you not want to change that? The major difficulty for me was reliving my abuse and getting in touch with the injustice, the cruelty and the sheer evil that was perpetrated on a little boy. The benefit was the realization that in making this choice I had begun to destroy the power that my abuser wielded against me. As long as I insisted that the blame was mine not the abuser’s I was giving up my power to change.

Accepting that our internalised emotions are our responsibility, is also a difficult choice. Sometimes when we are faced with the need to do that, we feel like we are being victimised all over again. It is much easier to blame another person for our painful emotions than it is to accept that we are responsible for any response that we are continuing to make to a past hurtful event. The benefit of at last accepting that responsibility is the personal power if restores to us. Not the power to get revenge, but the power to moderate and control our damaged emotions. The power to choose how we are going to think and feel about the past. The power to channel the deep feelings our hurtful experience aroused in us, in a healthy and positive direction.

It is true that as children we do not always have the capacity to deal with emotional pain. It is not to be wondered at that we internalise them. The unfortunate reality is that hurt children continue to do the same thing with painful emotions when they become adults. I have heard many adults say that their capacity to build and maintain healthy relationships has been deeply damaged by their inability not only to deal with past hurtful events, but present ones as well. It is daunting but nevertheless rational to accept to say that the hurtful behaviour was the responsibility of the perpetrator but the anger I feel is mine.

Understanding that we may have projected our pain on to people we love in the present, and making a choice to seek to rebuild those relationships, so that the people who love us feel safe, also has its difficulties. It may require us to apologise and seek their forgiveness. Someone has said that the six most difficult words in our English language are, “I am sorry.”: And “I forgive you.” For us to apologise requires humility and honesty. For family members to forgive us may seem to them to be unfair; to do so may make them feel vulnerable. Healing wounded relationships may take time, but the results are eminently worth it.

There is an unexpected benefit in being forgiven by another. It is the very best way to learn how to forgive others. As a Christian I have always found great comfort in the teaching of the Bible that encourages us to forgive others as Jesus has forgiven us. His forgiveness of us is absolute and is not so much what we deserve but is a gift of love. When we experience forgiveness that we do not deserve, from someone who loves us dearly, that is the most precious gift in the world.

Next week I will write about forgiveness as part of the process of recovery from past painful events. This week you might like to make two more lists. In the first one jot down what the prospect of forgiving a person who has hurt you makes you feel, and in the second list write down the potential benefits of both being forgiven and forgiving another, may be.

God Bless

Graeme